[LA 13] - Collecting One's Thoughts (Expecting)

[Nozomi]

Today... had not been good. For all that it had been wonderful, to know that Matsu was safe, to have brought Shinsei back, to have fulfilled her promises and to returned safely, Phi was in a state of disquiet. It was one that pervaded her thoughts and bled into her every step. It afflicted her in ways that she found not only unsettling but deeply disturbing. And so she did the only ting that she could think of.

She attempted to meditate. Attempt, perhaps, was the best word. It took her nearly a full hour to get her mind centered, her thoughts cleansed in the void and feel any modicum of refreshment come to her from it. But she got there. And with its passing, she found herself finally at a modicum of peace. With that, came resolution and she went out of the tent to find someone in the camp. There were people she needed to speak with. People she felt perhaps she owed an explanation to.

When she found one of their tents in a lull in the sulfurous rain, she gave it a knock, hoping they were seeking shelter too and wouldn't mind her slipping in. "Umeno, you in?" she said, keeping her hood up, but her veil nowhere to be seen.

[Bayushi Umeno]

There was a moment's silence before there was a grunted, "Nn, get in here then, that rain stings," in Umeno's usually barely social tone.

[Nozomi]

She was in seconds later, flapping her cloak twice outside of the tent to get the worst of the acrid, acidic and tainted bilge off of it before she settled in. Thankfully, there'd been a short lull, but she wasn't in the mood to test it for long, and not very long afterwards she heard the patter that told her it was good to be inside.

"You know what? Screw it. I miss the fucking swamp."

[Bayushi Umeno]

Umeno looked and stared for a moment. Yeah, there was a good bit different about the woman. Still, what did she care? There was likely a story to it, and Phi would tell it if she felt like it, but as she'd told the Hikaru before, it was all the same to her.

She gave a grunt and a bit of a frown of seriousness. "Eh, I suppose. Really miss that jungle, if we're pickin' places on this trip. Still, I hate to say I told you so."

[Nozomi]

"Mostly, I am guessing, because telling me you told me so involves acidic rain that melts your face off," she muttered, glaring outside and tying the tent closed to keep it out. She settled into a seated position opposite the other woman, and the differences were... well, there was only one obvious difference. No mask. Otherwise, she looked perhaps a little more beset upon than she ever had, her mind a sort of persistent roil of emotions and thoughts that even meditation was only doing a basic job of stemming.

She grunted and breathed out. "But I'm not here to talk about the weather. I wanted to talk about a decision I've made. And if we get out of this alive, I'd like to ask you a favor. Only if you're able... but I don't think I'm going to be able to do it anymore."

[Bayushi Umeno]

Umeno gave a throaty groan. "Fortunes. A favor and I gotta listen to you go on about important life decisions and stuff? Well, I'll do it for you Phi, but it better not be a favor like visiting you for tea and poetry."

[Nozomi]

"Good kami, did I start painting my nails and dressing in pretty kimono the last time you looked?" She barked out a laugh, shaking her head. "I'm sorry... That's not fair to Kinsen. She seems a nice enough woman, but no... I'll never be a lady like her. No tea, no poetry, though you can sit and listen to the flute one of these days if you want."

She sighed and shook her head. "I... wanted you to apologize to your lord for me and give him this," she said, reaching into her pocket and drawing out her mask. "I think I was being childish, assuming I would become his servant. I don't doubt I have the skills that he could use, but... that isn't where I am needed right now. I came here looking for where I belong, and I guess I found it. Though... that's not the favor."

"It's about the Hikaru..."

[Bayushi Umeno]

Umeno looked to the mask quizzically, then shrugged and stuffed it in her bag. "I honestly think he'd just give the same reaction as me. It's your life Phi, your choice what path t' take. Nothing to apologize for. Now, what's all this about your tribe?"

[Nozomi]

"He probably will. Enough of you told me he's a pragmatic man, and I appreciate that." But it was still... polite, considering how big a scene she'd made of that in being here. There were some, like Nanzi, who would have expectations.

"They are dwindling. In time, the tribal ways will die. You know it. I know it. Nanzi's way will win out in time, and Ryoko's people will find a home. The blind girl's tribe will find one... and they will dwindle, each into obscurity. Three generations, at most, but the Hikaru have lost enough... they are prideful, angry, bitter people and they do not want to change, but they will, or they will die." A breath and a shake of her head. "I would rather that they not, but they will not follow me to where I am going. But... if your lord could convince them, if you could, if anyone could... they would be useful to him. The ones that stayed behind, they're nasty things when they need to be, but they can be given purpose again."

[Bayushi Umeno]

The Scorpion girl was silent a long moment, face the same thoughtful frown. Finally, she spoke up in her usual nonchalant tone. "If y' know anything about the Kuwagaya, you know why I'd have certain doubts about the Hikaru. A lot of my old tribe left t' join Akodo-Kami for that reason, because they were tired of the raids and killings from tribes like yours. I was one of the few that fought back, so I have a bit of a different view than most, but it's still a bit like inviting a mad dog into the house."

"That said, I'm not the best at convincing anyone anyway. I'd say they'd find a more natural home among the Lion or Crab, clans that seem more ready to fight, but I know there's no Lion here, and the Crab have enough going on." She paused, then gave a grunt of acknowledgement. "I'll talk t' Bayushi about it for you though Phi. Can't make any promises, he's his own man with his own ideas, but he's at least not bad at listening."

[Nozomi]

"I appreciate that anyone would give the rabid dogs that are left in our ranks even a chance to hear it." She could admit that. They'd hunkered down into lands that nobody claimed just to keep people away. That wasn't the act of entirely stable people. "But, if given the right motivation, even the Noriaki were brought to heel. The Hikaru are no different. And besides... if they find a home, they might finally stop the raiding life. It would be good for them to stand on their own, not on someone's corpse."

She grunted and nodded afterwards. "I was in enough of those raids. My hands aren't clean of blood. I don't think it was Kuwagaya, but I don't pretend their blood isn't on some Hikaru's hands. A lot of people have done a lot of forgiving in the last five years. The Hikaru need to learn that it's not a weakness to ask." And then she shrugged. "Or they'll die one day. And sometimes, a rabid dog has to be put down. I don't like it. And I can't bring myself to tell Sora or Koyama. They're our kin, and I'm leaving them behind. It doesn't come with a great taste in the mouth."

[Bayushi Umeno]

"I imagine that'll be the end of it, if I talk to Bayushi about all this. He'd likely welcome as many in as are willing, but I doubt he'd be squeamish at all about killing whomever said no. He's not against the tribes or anything, not that I can tell, but I can't imagine those Hikaru that're left will stop raiding for a living, and he's certainly against banditry." She gave a faint smile.

"Not that I imagine either Koyama or Sora wouldn't understand too. Never met Shinjo's husband, but Sora at least seems the sort that left his tribe behind with a bit of thoughtfulness."

[Nozomi]

"For the moment, they've had the good sense to remember that the Scorpion are bigger and next door neighbors, but raiding further lands takes time, and they're losing patience. One hard winter can make a man stupid. Two, and they can go insane." It was a confirmation of reality. The Hikaru might currently be playing nice with their next door neighbors, but there'd been talk, and she'd seen just enough to assume that if Umeno was normal, the Hikaru couldn't handle a straight up fight like that. "But in the end, that's on them. They have to find their own path."

She blinked, though, and barked another laugh. Her laugh had a bit of a hyena's edge to it at times. A little too loud when it came out. "Sora left with our boots to his ass! Hah, most of the tribe hated his guts by the time he left. I think the feeling was mutual, but I never minded the old buzzard that much. Pretty sure he thought enough that he knew he didn't belong with us anymore when he did. More's the pity. Man didn't go soft down in the lowlands, I'll say that." Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, but that was another matter.

[Bayushi Umeno]

That brought a bit of a smirk to her lips. "Even if it's bad thoughts, it's still thoughts." She paused a moment. "...There some reason you can't talk to them though? Even if they can't follow you or whatever, that doesn't mean they wouldn't listen to y' if you gave them some sort of speech before you left."

[Nozomi]

"I may... but what I think that I need to do... I may need to give them up entirely," she said, frowning and biting her lip for a moment. "What I am thinking of doing means choosing to give up all that I am to start a new path forward. And that may mean no longer being Hikaru in the first place. I am not even sure that they would listen to me if I went, and I'm not entirely sure that it is proper for me to do so. I am still... feeling out what what I am thinking of entails. I'm not even sure anyone's ever really done it."

Anyone but Shinsei, that is. Forsaking one's former ties in taking up any form of monastic path wasn't something that had even really been considered at this point. "It is one of those things where, they might be more likely to listen to someone who is an outsider than someone who has left them behind forever."

[Bayushi Umeno]

The other girl gave a shrug of her strong shoulders. "Well, far be it from me to tell you who they'll listen to. I think you'd do better than you think, but then again, I'm the one saying I'd do poorly. Doesn't change that I'll talk to Bayushi about it while I'm apologizing to him for you. Still..."

She trailed off, giving a sigh. "...Not like I won't have my own things to worry about either. I think we've both learned things on this trip we never thought we would when we started."

[Nozomi]

"Go to the mouth of hell, and I guess we should both have expected to be faced with the unexpected. I was foolish to assume that my understandings of everything would not be at least somewhat changed." She laughed at herself more softly this time. At least her chuckles weren't as ear-piercing in their own way. "Dare I ask what you've learned? You seem quite confident in yourself after all."

[Bayushi Umeno]

She shrugged a bit. "I suppose confidence is one way to look at it. I think of it more as accepting that whatever happens happens. I learned about the shadowlands and jade and all that... and I suppose I learned that I don't necessarily need to be alone."

Umeno's voice was a bit wispy at that, and for a moment she looked distantly thoughtful.

[Nozomi]

She cocked an eyebrow and looked over at Umeno. Huh. She... didn't exactly strike her. Well, the girl played her cards extremely close to her chest, far more than Phi did. So, maybe she didn't know her that much at all? But that statement, it made her chuckle a little. "No, you don't need to, not if you don't want to. If you mean it the way I think... there'd probably be a few interested, depending on your type." If she meant something else? Well, she could cross that bridge in conversation then. "I admit, I did not come to hell looking to explore the inside of someone's tent. It's... not what I would have considered a perk of the trip."

"But being accepting... that's a good thing to an extent. Being able to adapt. A lot of us can't."

[Bayushi Umeno]

For a moment, it seemed Umeno's cheeks flushed a touch, but the Scorpion just gave a grunt and a slight frown. "Not looking to share anyone's tent thank you, but I doubt there are that many interested besides. I suppose you could call it being accepting, but it's really more talking to others and helping them out.... and letting them help me."